特别感想

大约七年前，当时的区团团长在支团周年庆的时候说希望有一天我有机会担任区团职员尤其是区团团长。万万没想到，这个“梦想”既然就在上个星期日的区团选举时实现了。从我加入圣母军至到今天我从来都没有想过有一天我会有机会当上区团职员。上个星期当我知道我中选区团职员时，我的心情是五味陈杂。 这主要是因为我中选的不是一个小职员而是区团的第二把交椅-区团副团长。那时我觉得我不能胜任该职位因为除了在经验上完全不够以外我也在我的工作上开始繁忙同时还要兼顾我的学业，圣体军和辅祭。我觉得我完全没有多余的时间去执行区团副团长的职务。除此之外，我也担心当我妈妈知道时她不会支持我担任这个区团职员。结果，因为我的担心造成我那天晚上的睡眠变得非常差。

“烦恼是自找的”这句话我现在非常的赞成。这是因为第二天晚上在圣母军开会前，我到了祈祷室向耶稣和圣母妈妈祈祷。在那时我知道说中选区团职员是不能改变的事实那么我只好祈求耶稣和圣母妈妈的帮忙。我请求耶稣和圣母妈妈希望我的心会慢慢的告诉我我愿意接受和消除我的烦恼并且祈求他们协助我，给我力量和智慧去执行区团副团长一职。结果，那天晚上我的心变得平静。我的烦恼也就在那时渐渐的消失了。最让我感到惊喜地是当我妈妈从她朋友口中知道时，她只是问我我中选了什么？为什么我没有告诉她有关中选区团职员这件事。她知道后她既然没有反对我担任区团副团长这一职。

最后，在这件事情里我发觉祈祷是一件很美妙的事。只要你愿意把烦恼透过祈祷把它奉献给天主，那么你可以渐渐的把心里的烦恼渐渐的忘掉；它甚至有可能会帮忙消除你的顾虑。所以，我在此希望我在来临的三年里能够好好的学习如何担一位称职的区团副团长和执行我身为区团副团长该做的工作！

如果

如果我在毕业后没有回来诗巫，我的生活会跟现在有什么不同呢？

如果我现在的工作不是查账员，我现在会过着半工半读的生活吗？

如果我在一年前没有报读会计师课程，我现在的压力会这么大吗？

如果我现在一个人在外地发展，我现在会不会只是一位主日教友呢？

如果我当初选择没有回到圣母军，我会不会遇到她和一班好兄弟呢？

如果我当时选择拒绝回辅祭班帮忙，我现在是不是会比较清闲呢？

如果我当初选择拒绝了所有的职位，我现在在圣母军还会是一位红人吗？

如果今天我能拿起我的勇气驾车，我是不是不会每次麻烦人家载我呢？

如果我能够更主动一点去追求她，她现在会不会是我的女朋友呢？

如果我在圣母军没有遇到她，我今天的梦想会是什么？当圣职人员？

如果我今天放弃了一切去念神父，那我未来的生活会是怎样？

唉，人生就是没有“如果”这两个字。。。。。。

她

一年了，我还记得我一年前面对面地告诉她我喜欢她。她是我第一个告白的人也是第一个让我写情书的对象。虽然，她后来拒绝了我并告诉我说希望我们当朋友而我也答应了她。我记得我当时答应她是因为我不了解她，我希望能够花多一点时间去了解她。

我还记得我第一次看到看到她时是在教堂开会时，那时女生只有两位剩下的十几位都是男的。当时我还觉得奇怪为什么她和她朋友会来参加这个会议，当我多看她两下后我渐渐觉得这个女生还长得不错和她拥有一个甜美的笑容。从那时起，我在教堂见到她的她的家人及朋友相处后我也慢慢的开始欣赏她。直到去年八月份，因为她觉得我喜欢别人时我才告诉她我的对象是她。

在过去的一年半里，我只有在办教堂活动时有找她外其它时间我很少找过她。我只是偶尔会发发讯息问候她。我不知道是不是因为我跟她告白后让我们俩很尴尬，所以每次见面我们都没有谈天。同时，也许是因为我自己不够主动的原因才让我到今天只是普通朋友。除此之外，我在今年五月份的戏剧表演后我突然觉得我自己很享受当神职人员的感觉。当神父时我在中学时期的梦想，这个梦想也随着时间的关系而渐渐在我心中变得可有也可无了。这个戏剧演出却把我当初想要当要当神父的感觉统统一下子就回来了。

在那时，我开始觉得烦恼我到底想要的是什么？因为，在那段时间里我有时会突然的想到她甚至还梦见过她。我是不是因为我日有所思，夜有所梦呢？同时，那段时间也是我最忙的时候。我每天除了工作和自修外，我还要忙教会组织的活动。那时，我在身兼多职的情况下我已经感到很压力和烦恼了。我最大的烦恼是我现在底是欣赏她还是真的喜欢上她呢？这个问题一直在我心中直到最近才渐渐的有答案。

到了上个星期，我参加了教堂的一个活动。在那个活动里，我听到讲师说年轻人应该把一切事尤其是感情交给圣母妈妈和创造我们的爸爸。那时我突然觉悟了，我是应该把这些事交给圣母妈妈和创造我们的爸爸。 我相信他们在天上已经帮我安排好了。那时我也开始发现我一直以来把她当成我的女神而没有真正的打开我的心去了解她和她做朋友。现在，我是时候打开我的心了；我应该主动的去了解她和星期天见到时跟她聊聊天。不管，最后我和她的关系会不会跟我进一步发展！

生日

2307 这个号码是我生日的日期和月份。在今年的这一天，我过了一个美好的生日。我不只跟我的家人庆祝生日，我的同事和圣母军的兄弟们也帮我庆祝生日。今年是我这么多年生日以来最多人帮我庆生，同时今年的生日也是最特别的一次。为什么最特别呢？因为今年我把我面子书里的生日日期隐藏起来直到我晚上八点多才把它显示出来。我的同事们只有在那个时候才发觉原来我的生日是那天除了一位同事。她会知道我的生日是因为我上次委托她帮我做一件事时她看到了我的登记号码。她在当天送了我一片蛋糕，这是我在我今年生日收到的第一份礼物。至于其他的同事则在第二天送我一片蛋糕和一粒Curry puff，虽然是迟来的祝福我还是很感谢他们的心意。

最让我感到惊喜和难忘的是我圣母军兄弟为我庆生的时候。我万万没有想到他们既然能够跟我弟和我妈合谋给了我这个生日惊喜。他们在我生日最后两个小时时，他们悄悄地抵达我家然后在我不注意的情况下出来。他们拿了生日蛋糕进来接着他们就唱了生日歌给我。当时我真的感到惊喜和感动。这个惊喜是我24年生日以来受到的第一个惊喜。 当晚我真的很感谢他们因为他们让我在24岁生日时留下了一个美好的回忆，同时他们的这个惊喜让我一直的回味到今天。回忆过去，在过去的几年里我的生日也充满回忆。我18岁生日时是我到古晋念先修班第一天开课，我22岁生日是我唯一一次和我大学朋友一起庆祝生日；我去年生日是我大学毕业后回到圣母军接任支团秘书的日子而今年是最多人为我庆祝生日和最难忘的生日。

今年我的生日虽然充满了惊喜和难忘回忆但是我也有一个小小遗憾。当天晚上我会在面子书把我的生日显示出来的原因我希望她知道我的生日，然后会跟我讲生日快乐。也许，是我太迟把我生日日期显示出来她才没有看到。而且当天晚上她还要上课，她上完课后可能感到累了所以她就没有上网吧。不管怎样，我还是谢谢上天让我过了一个美好的生日。我们每次生日时，我们将有机会许三个愿望。今年是我第一次许愿而我三个的愿望是：

• 我希望我的工作和学业能够顺利， 
• 我希望我能够寻找到天主要告诉我的答案，好让我不用再站在那个十字路口； 
• 秘密! :)

个人感想

在过去几天我发现我开始在我的工作， 教会组织和个人方面跟以前比起来有不一样的感觉。 这个感觉就是挫折和失败， 这两个形容词在过去的几天一直在我的脑海里出现。

工作方面

在这几天我发现我渐渐的开始对我的工作失去在过去一年里我拥有的热诚。 我开始抱怨尤其是对我组长分配给我的工作。这次她分配了比较难或复杂的工作给我， 但是她希望我能够在短时间内把这些工作完成。 她这个做法让我觉得很反感，让我在执行我的工作时感到很无趣完全不会乐在其中。

教会活动-圣体军

去年十一月中，我在区团会议时接受了区团委派给我的工作那就是指导圣体军。 那时，我可能是因为服从的因素而接受了这份工作。 我还记得那时我不是很愿意的接受这份工作因为我对这一份工作完全没有兴趣。 我是在我圣母军的兄弟姐妹的鼓励下才接受这份工作。 在过去的半年里，我遇到了许多挫折特别是在我筹备的青苗欢乐营。 我指导的军团只有三分之一的团员参加而且这些参加者是在电话告诉他们的父母下才参加。 在这半年里，我渐渐觉得有压力和开始打算放弃这份工作。最后，我选择了继续的坚持下去但是我真的不知道我会坚持到何时因为我到现在还搞不定这一班小青年。 也许，我在这半年里我从来没有把我的心真正放在圣体军里吧…

教会活动-辅祭

辅祭是我在教会里加入最久的教会组织。 我在这个组织里一共服务了十年左右。 上个星期日， 辅祭班的主席和两位长辈找了我他们希望我能够重新的回来当执委。 他们希望我能够协助他们在来临的两年里栽培这批年轻学生来接班。 那时，我直接答应他们我会回去帮助他们因为我觉得我还是喜欢当辅祭。现在我发现我开始后悔了，因为我发觉我好像没有多余的时间来执行这份工作。 除此之外， 我发觉我可能不能在辅祭班里他们可能不能接受我管理的方式和我担心那两位长辈会干预我的管理和栽培方式。当我告诉我家人时他们不支持我这个决定。 这让到今天我感到非常的矛盾。

个人方面

这个方面我觉得我自己越来越失败。昨天（14/6）是成绩出榜日，当我知道我成绩是及格时我没有感到开心或伤心。我不知道是不是我自己不满意这个成绩还是有其它因素。除此之外，我突然对我自己的未来感到很迷惘。我不知道我到底打算当神父还是当一位会计师然后结婚生子。因为这个原因，我一直的没有开始行动去追求她。同时，我也不知道怎样去追一位女孩子吧！此外，我发觉我这个人很贪心。我之前的生活是工作，参加圣母军和辅祭班（有时）。现在，我除了工作和圣母军我还指导和带领圣体军，读书（会计专业资格）和回去辅祭班当执委。因为我的贪心结果就是我觉得压力正在增加和我的脾气开始变坏了。

 最后，我想除了把这一切都交给上主之外我想我应该尽快地找一天把这一切都停止下来；想清楚自己到底要的是什么然后重新出发。或许我应该回到最基本，我要想一想当初我对这些的热诚，我为什么会做了这些选择和现在我为什么会面对到这么多的问题！

CHANGES in my life

Change- this word I have seen many times in recent newspaper. The reason I will saw this word is due to the election is coming soon. However, today I would like to share is not about the coming election. It is about the changes of me. I found out that there were some changes for me in the past few months.

First is my lifestyle. What have changes in my lifestyle?? At the end of last year, I have decided to take CPA Program. I never think of it CPA Program have changed my lifestyle. I still remember before I take CPA Program, my lifestyle is work, play and church activities. During that time, I have a lot of time for doing my personal things especially attend or organising church activities. After I start my CPA Program, I found out that I have not enough time to use. This may be due to my time management problem. Besides that, after I take the CPA Program I found out that my burden has started to increase. This is because now I not only busy in my job and church activities I also need to spend some of the time for doing revision.  

Next is my workload. After Chinese New Year, I found out that my workload has also increased. I know why my workload increased, the mainly reason is last year I was new to the company and starting this year I can consider as one’s of the junior. Since my position was upgraded from new to junior, therefore my workload will also increase and the difficultly in my work will also increase.

Third is my church activity.  I found out that I have a lot of activities need to attend or organize in this few months. Sometime, I have think of it why I so busy? Is it due to my performance was much better than other persons or too active therefore I will be assigned a lot “work”?  Now almost every Sunday I have lot activities need to attend and I also have to organize a camp for children between 10 years old to 12 years old. Moreover, I found out that now I have met a lot of challenges when I guide for a group of children especially when other advisor's not attending the meeting. Besides that, I can feel that my burden have increasing when I know that other advisor's plan to pass the children for me to guide.

Lastly is my leadership skill. When I start to organize the camp last week, I found out that my leadership skill has gone. I start to do the thing without think properly and sometime I start can’t make the final decision. Sometime, I need to rely on other people to help me to do the decision and I keep changing on the decision that I have made. I will realize this has happened to me is due to a case happened yesterday. Yesterday, I just call the priest without think properly and ask some stupid questions that requested by other people to me. At the end, I have made the priest feel unhappy. Why this will happen? I really don’t know the reason.  Is it due to I have become follower too long or my capability is really limited? All the successful that I have in the past, is it due to I have a group of friends which always help me? Or really due to the case that has happened in December last year have made me start losing my confident?  

The only thing that has not change is my relationship with her. My relationship with her is still the same which is friend only. I think there was no change in my relationship with her is due to I not really take actions to chase her or my actions is not good enough. Anyway, I will not give up easily even though I guess the chance to success may be low.

I hope that I will overcome all the challenges that I met now especially in my confident or leadership skill. So that, I not only able successfully organizes the camp but also can give a wonderful memory to the participants. Furthermore, I hope that I able do well in my next month CPA exam.

Snake Year -- 2013

Today is the first day of Chinese New Year. According to lunar calendar this year we celebrating Snake year and according to the year of my birth Snake is my Zodiac. This means that this year I not only 24 years old but this year is also a very special year to me. This is because I could only celebrate Snake year every 12 years. Since this year is the special year for me, I have made three wishes and I hope it can be realized. 

My three wishes are:

1. I hope that I able to pass my CPA exam with flying colors for my first and second subject.
2. I hope that I will success to chase her so that SHE will be my girl friend.
3. I hope that I will perform better in my job and church movements compared with last year.

These are my wishes for this year, but I don't have much confident that I able to realized all my wishes especially the second wish. Anyway, I will try my best to realize all the wishes and hopefully it will be achieve. Lastly, I would like to wish all my friends and those who also celebrate Chinese New Year- Happy Snake Year 2013 and GONG XI FA CAI.

Picture reference:

Google image 

Dream

I have a dream but my dream is costly. The reason I say I have a costly dream because my dream is I want go to tourism around the world. Why I will have such dream??  The reason is because until today I only go to few places within Sarawak. The reason I will go these places mainly due to church activities and I had spent four years for studies my Bachelor course in Kuching. It is unbelievable for me that I have aged 24 years but until now I never go to West Malaysia which includes Kuala Lumpur. 

At my last year of university life, I have planned trips to Sabah and Taiwan with my friends and sister. However, my trips have been cancelled due to several reasons. My Sabah trip has cancelled due to suddenly my university has made amendment on the academic calendar which my new semester has started earlier than before. While my trip to Taiwan has cancelled is due to my sister has pregnant at that time. At that time, I really feel very sad because I really don’t know why every time when I have plan for any trip early it sure have a reason for me to cancelled the trip.

When I started come out for work last year, I think I will have the chance to go for tourism. However, due to my annual leaves is limited, I need use my leaves for my graduation ceremony and some of my friends are busy I can’t have any trip. While this year, I think I also can’t have any trip because I have take CPA Program which I will spend my annual leaves for study. Furthermore, this year I also busy with my church activities and I don’t think I will have more leaves or time for trip or tourism.  Lastly, I really don’t know whether my dream will come true or not. I hope that I will have a chance to tourism at West Malaysia within this year or before my 25 years old.