个人感想

在过去几天我发现我开始在我的工作， 教会组织和个人方面跟以前比起来有不一样的感觉。 这个感觉就是挫折和失败， 这两个形容词在过去的几天一直在我的脑海里出现。

工作方面

在这几天我发现我渐渐的开始对我的工作失去在过去一年里我拥有的热诚。 我开始抱怨尤其是对我组长分配给我的工作。这次她分配了比较难或复杂的工作给我， 但是她希望我能够在短时间内把这些工作完成。 她这个做法让我觉得很反感，让我在执行我的工作时感到很无趣完全不会乐在其中。

教会活动-圣体军

去年十一月中，我在区团会议时接受了区团委派给我的工作那就是指导圣体军。 那时，我可能是因为服从的因素而接受了这份工作。 我还记得那时我不是很愿意的接受这份工作因为我对这一份工作完全没有兴趣。 我是在我圣母军的兄弟姐妹的鼓励下才接受这份工作。 在过去的半年里，我遇到了许多挫折特别是在我筹备的青苗欢乐营。 我指导的军团只有三分之一的团员参加而且这些参加者是在电话告诉他们的父母下才参加。 在这半年里，我渐渐觉得有压力和开始打算放弃这份工作。最后，我选择了继续的坚持下去但是我真的不知道我会坚持到何时因为我到现在还搞不定这一班小青年。 也许，我在这半年里我从来没有把我的心真正放在圣体军里吧…

教会活动-辅祭

辅祭是我在教会里加入最久的教会组织。 我在这个组织里一共服务了十年左右。 上个星期日， 辅祭班的主席和两位长辈找了我他们希望我能够重新的回来当执委。 他们希望我能够协助他们在来临的两年里栽培这批年轻学生来接班。 那时，我直接答应他们我会回去帮助他们因为我觉得我还是喜欢当辅祭。现在我发现我开始后悔了，因为我发觉我好像没有多余的时间来执行这份工作。 除此之外， 我发觉我可能不能在辅祭班里他们可能不能接受我管理的方式和我担心那两位长辈会干预我的管理和栽培方式。当我告诉我家人时他们不支持我这个决定。 这让到今天我感到非常的矛盾。

个人方面

这个方面我觉得我自己越来越失败。昨天（14/6）是成绩出榜日，当我知道我成绩是及格时我没有感到开心或伤心。我不知道是不是我自己不满意这个成绩还是有其它因素。除此之外，我突然对我自己的未来感到很迷惘。我不知道我到底打算当神父还是当一位会计师然后结婚生子。因为这个原因，我一直的没有开始行动去追求她。同时，我也不知道怎样去追一位女孩子吧！此外，我发觉我这个人很贪心。我之前的生活是工作，参加圣母军和辅祭班（有时）。现在，我除了工作和圣母军我还指导和带领圣体军，读书（会计专业资格）和回去辅祭班当执委。因为我的贪心结果就是我觉得压力正在增加和我的脾气开始变坏了。

 最后，我想除了把这一切都交给上主之外我想我应该尽快地找一天把这一切都停止下来；想清楚自己到底要的是什么然后重新出发。或许我应该回到最基本，我要想一想当初我对这些的热诚，我为什么会做了这些选择和现在我为什么会面对到这么多的问题！

CHANGES in my life

Change- this word I have seen many times in recent newspaper. The reason I will saw this word is due to the election is coming soon. However, today I would like to share is not about the coming election. It is about the changes of me. I found out that there were some changes for me in the past few months.

First is my lifestyle. What have changes in my lifestyle?? At the end of last year, I have decided to take CPA Program. I never think of it CPA Program have changed my lifestyle. I still remember before I take CPA Program, my lifestyle is work, play and church activities. During that time, I have a lot of time for doing my personal things especially attend or organising church activities. After I start my CPA Program, I found out that I have not enough time to use. This may be due to my time management problem. Besides that, after I take the CPA Program I found out that my burden has started to increase. This is because now I not only busy in my job and church activities I also need to spend some of the time for doing revision.  

Next is my workload. After Chinese New Year, I found out that my workload has also increased. I know why my workload increased, the mainly reason is last year I was new to the company and starting this year I can consider as one’s of the junior. Since my position was upgraded from new to junior, therefore my workload will also increase and the difficultly in my work will also increase.

Third is my church activity.  I found out that I have a lot of activities need to attend or organize in this few months. Sometime, I have think of it why I so busy? Is it due to my performance was much better than other persons or too active therefore I will be assigned a lot “work”?  Now almost every Sunday I have lot activities need to attend and I also have to organize a camp for children between 10 years old to 12 years old. Moreover, I found out that now I have met a lot of challenges when I guide for a group of children especially when other advisor's not attending the meeting. Besides that, I can feel that my burden have increasing when I know that other advisor's plan to pass the children for me to guide.

Lastly is my leadership skill. When I start to organize the camp last week, I found out that my leadership skill has gone. I start to do the thing without think properly and sometime I start can’t make the final decision. Sometime, I need to rely on other people to help me to do the decision and I keep changing on the decision that I have made. I will realize this has happened to me is due to a case happened yesterday. Yesterday, I just call the priest without think properly and ask some stupid questions that requested by other people to me. At the end, I have made the priest feel unhappy. Why this will happen? I really don’t know the reason.  Is it due to I have become follower too long or my capability is really limited? All the successful that I have in the past, is it due to I have a group of friends which always help me? Or really due to the case that has happened in December last year have made me start losing my confident?  

The only thing that has not change is my relationship with her. My relationship with her is still the same which is friend only. I think there was no change in my relationship with her is due to I not really take actions to chase her or my actions is not good enough. Anyway, I will not give up easily even though I guess the chance to success may be low.

I hope that I will overcome all the challenges that I met now especially in my confident or leadership skill. So that, I not only able successfully organizes the camp but also can give a wonderful memory to the participants. Furthermore, I hope that I able do well in my next month CPA exam.

Snake Year -- 2013

Today is the first day of Chinese New Year. According to lunar calendar this year we celebrating Snake year and according to the year of my birth Snake is my Zodiac. This means that this year I not only 24 years old but this year is also a very special year to me. This is because I could only celebrate Snake year every 12 years. Since this year is the special year for me, I have made three wishes and I hope it can be realized. 

My three wishes are:

1. I hope that I able to pass my CPA exam with flying colors for my first and second subject.
2. I hope that I will success to chase her so that SHE will be my girl friend.
3. I hope that I will perform better in my job and church movements compared with last year.

These are my wishes for this year, but I don't have much confident that I able to realized all my wishes especially the second wish. Anyway, I will try my best to realize all the wishes and hopefully it will be achieve. Lastly, I would like to wish all my friends and those who also celebrate Chinese New Year- Happy Snake Year 2013 and GONG XI FA CAI.

Picture reference:

Google image 

Dream

I have a dream but my dream is costly. The reason I say I have a costly dream because my dream is I want go to tourism around the world. Why I will have such dream??  The reason is because until today I only go to few places within Sarawak. The reason I will go these places mainly due to church activities and I had spent four years for studies my Bachelor course in Kuching. It is unbelievable for me that I have aged 24 years but until now I never go to West Malaysia which includes Kuala Lumpur. 

At my last year of university life, I have planned trips to Sabah and Taiwan with my friends and sister. However, my trips have been cancelled due to several reasons. My Sabah trip has cancelled due to suddenly my university has made amendment on the academic calendar which my new semester has started earlier than before. While my trip to Taiwan has cancelled is due to my sister has pregnant at that time. At that time, I really feel very sad because I really don’t know why every time when I have plan for any trip early it sure have a reason for me to cancelled the trip.

When I started come out for work last year, I think I will have the chance to go for tourism. However, due to my annual leaves is limited, I need use my leaves for my graduation ceremony and some of my friends are busy I can’t have any trip. While this year, I think I also can’t have any trip because I have take CPA Program which I will spend my annual leaves for study. Furthermore, this year I also busy with my church activities and I don’t think I will have more leaves or time for trip or tourism.  Lastly, I really don’t know whether my dream will come true or not. I hope that I will have a chance to tourism at West Malaysia within this year or before my 25 years old.   

心声

这一次是自我开始使用微博以来首次使用华语来更新我的微博。这次我要更新的是我要把我心里所有的话把它说出来。其实我心里有很多很多的话要找人谈一谈或诉诉苦，可惜每次当我要找一位朋友诉苦时我才发现我既然找不到一位朋友来诉苦。我一直在想到底这是我的问题吗？是不是我对我身边的朋友缺发信任？还是我身边的朋友不够了解我？ 有时候，我自己真的觉得自己很失败我既然找不到一个值得我信任或了解我的朋友。

除此之外，我发觉我自己渐渐开始失去勇气。我开始失去的勇气是爱情的勇气，我自己不知道我这是不是真的喜欢她。回想当初，我不知道我哪来的勇气来跟她告白甚至告诉她我会在她在STPM 后开始追她。虽然，她在第二天发讯息告诉我说只能更我做好朋友当时我还没有觉得很伤心。一直到当我知道她开始尝试跟我其中一位朋友拍拖时，我心里突然感觉到非常不舒服。后来，当我确定她没有正式的跟我朋友开始时我真的感到开心。但是我既然从那时开始没有勇气跟她通讯息，我只会在有重要事情时才会发讯息找她。我也只会在每一次去教堂时特别的去注意她。

接下来我要分享我在我教会参加组织 特别是圣母军时遇到的问题。 我今年大学毕业后重新回归圣母军时，我发现圣母军里的兄弟们特别注重我过去圣母军辉煌的日子。这一点是我这次回来最不想他们注重的东西。今年七月份时，他们告诉我他们决定让我接任支团秘书；那时我决定接任是因为支团里缺乏团员和我觉得是时候我应该为圣母军服务的时候。同时，我也想我接任秘书后应该不会在短期内再升任任何职位了。嗨，“人算不如天算”这句谚语既然在我身上应验了。在上个星期日区团会议时，区团团长直接就委任了我兼任圣体军助理导师。那时我真的不知道是否要接受该任务，因为我根本没有心理准备去接任该职位。同时，我已经打算好了明年继续深造但是这次我选择了在我自己的家乡半工半读。那时我脑海里突然出现了一个想法，我是否能够同时兼顾这么多东西？要是我在那个时候跌倒了，我是否有勇气再站起来；还是我到最后会选择了放弃？我自己到现在都还没有答案！

我感到最烦的是我既然到今天还不会开车。虽然我最近重新开始学驾车， 但是我偏偏就还没有掌握到驾车的技巧。我会感到很烦恼是因为我每一次出去都需要依靠家人或朋友来载我。我时常在想要是我自己会驾车，那我不管要跟朋友出去，去教堂活动或去工作我就会方便很多。我希望我在来临的一个月能够掌握那些技巧。最后，我想我现在唯一能够做的事就是透过祈祷把这一切都交给天主；我相信他会帮我做出最佳的选择。